The Inner Critic 101
What is the inner critic?
At its core, the inner critic is a survival mechanism meant to keep us safe and alive. Everyone has an inner critic.
The inner critic can provide helpful information, but only if you know how to work with it. At the end of this email, I the strategies I use with my clients when the inner critic comes up and drags them down. But first, why should you care?
→ With the inner critic running the show, you avoid situations, opportunities, and experiences that challenge you and help you grow.
→ With the inner critic running the show, you are unable to know who you really are, because you are so good at reading how others want you to be.
→ With the inner critic running the show, you limit your ability to succeed in the endeavors you value most.
→ With the inner critic running the show, you doubt your ability to overcome challenges, which makes it less likely that you’ll overcome the challenges.
→ With the inner critic running the show, you can’t be the role model you wish to be for the people you care about.
→ With the inner critic running the show, LIFE JUST FEELS UGH!!!
The inner critic becomes more firmly established over time and prevents us from feeling like we are living a life full of meaning, adventure, and joy. Just like a splinter, the sooner you take care of a relentless (or subtle but deadly) inner critic, the less likely you are to have it “infect” the rest of your life - your relationships, your values, and the vision for the life you want to live.
The inner critic sounds like this:
..“Wow, do you realize how stupid that thing is that you just said?”
…”You’ll never be as pretty / successful / interesting as them”
…”You probably can’t be successful in that line of work”
…”Don’t smile too much, he’ll think you’re weird”
…”Why are you so anxious? Calm down.”
For some people, their inner critic doesn’t speak in words. It’s more of a feeling:
...an atmosphere of uncertainty and doubt
...a feeling that you will fail no matter what
...a belief that others’ view you negatively
...an anxiety about how others perceive you
...a desire to be everything for everyone or else you will not be okay
And sometimes people don’t recognize the self-critical thoughts or the atmosphere of self-judgment, but something just feels off.
Without training on how to create boundaries with this psychological structure, it’s likely you’ll continue to experience a background sense of dissatisfaction with yourself and your life. A sense of always having to be on guard and alert. An inability to enjoy what’s happening right here, right now.
To be honest, the inner critic is one of the main reasons I’m in business.
The inner critic will never fully “go away”. So it makes sense to learn how to be in a relationship with it. Just like in order to have a healthy relationship with your spouse, kids, and work, you need to set boundaries with your mind when the inner critic wakes up.
To begin to take charge of your life, grab a journal or share your answers to these questions below with a partner or good friend:
You first have to get to know your unique critic.
Is it a voice? What does it sound like? Your voice? A voice of a parent?
Is it more of an atmosphere? If so, what does being in this atmosphere feel like?
In what areas in your life is your inner critic present / not present?
What is the result of being sucked into the voice / atmosphere of the inner critic? What does your inner critic prevent you from doing / feeling / being?
Practice the 5 tried and true strategies I use with my clients for fighting against the inner critic.
Strategy 1: Give your inner critic a name to help externalize it (My inner critic’s name is Ed. Perhaps in a later email I’ll explain why :)
Strategy 2: Exaggerate what your inner critic is saying / bring humor to it
Strategy 3: Invite the opinion somewhere else (eg “Ed, you can eat less, but I’m going to eat to my desire and focus on more important things” or, “Thanks for the thoughts, but I’m busy right now, leave a message please”)
Strategy 4: Give your inner critic a look that’s like “I’m not having it”
Strategy 5: Find a way to feel strong and bigger than your inner critic...reclaim your authority (you can even try a gesture like “NO. Back Off.”)
And if you’re interested in learning more from me and experiencing life NOT through the lens of your inner critic, consider my 3 month life coaching package. If you are engaged with the program, after the 3 months of working with me, your mind will be a kinder place. You will stop feeling at war with yourself. You will feel free to do the things that previously you wouldn’t have imagined for fear of self-criticism or judgment from others. Life will feel less burdensome and more exciting. You will be able to slow down and enjoy what’s in front of you, rather than always look for problems. You will have cleared a path to more confidence and greater fulfillment in life.
In fact, one of my clients who just finished up her coaching package yesterday told me “I am now living the life I envisioned” 😁
Most people can live with a strong inner critic for quite some time (or they think “this is just the way it is”). But for the person who doesn’t want to settle for “meh” and can tell that the negative thoughts they have about themselves are getting in the way of living a life they feel good about and doing all they want to in this life, not taking action is equivalent to staying in a very toxic relationship.
Here’s the truth…..happiness isn’t something that just happens to you when the conditions are right. It’s something you learn to cultivate with dedicated practice, patience, and curiosity. I guide you through that process from start to finish. Respond back to this email if you want more information and think you’d be a good fit for my 3 month coaching program, or sign up here for a complimentary call.
And if you’re not ready to dive in 1:1, you may enjoy the free guide I’ve made for people who wants to start practicing simple, effective strategies when they notice their inner critic talking to them, or making them feel like shit: