What to Do When You're Feeling Impulsive or Stuck

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have an unhealthy relationship to Aquaphor.

Don’t know what aquaphor is? According to the container it “soothes minor wounds, cuts, scrapes, and burns” but it is more than that. So much more. It is the BEST chapstick-like substance on Planet Earth 🌍

My problem with Aquaphor isn’t in the Aquaphor itself, but in my relationship to it: I FREAK OUT when I can’t find it or if I forget it when I’m going somewhere. Is there something in your life like this that you can relate to? (Or am I the only one? 🙈)

While my unhealthy attachment to Aquaphor is relatively harmless and inconsequential (unless you consider spending an ungodly amount per year on frickin’ PETROLEUM inconsequential 🤪), imagine if my Aquaphor was a person in my life. Or an identity that I had in high school that I’m desperately fixated on keeping. A grudge. A way of seeing someone or a group of people.

I find my attachment to Aquaphor interesting because it reminds me of how ALL OF US tend to attach ourselves to items, people, and identities. This isn’t an inherently bad thing, but it becomes a problem when it gets in the way of our values and our enjoyment of life. Odds are, it’s also negatively affecting someone else in your life, and possibly many other people, too.

When our attachments begin to get in the way, we are officially at war with ourselves. You want to stay in the relationship, but you know in your heart it’s not the right person. You want to have another slice of cake, but you’re really trying to cut back so you can live long enough to see grandchildren. This inner conflict feels heavy, stressful, and takes up a lot of valuable energy 😬

It gnaws at our ability to feel free.

Now, I am not an advocate for getting rid of attachments completely. In fact, it’s impossible unless you’re a monk. What I AM an advocate for is training your mind to become more flexible and resilient so you can become aware of your attachments and change those that don’t fit with who you are and who you want to be. The result? Freedom.

I’ve chosen to stay attached to Aquaphor because it doesn’t affect others nor get in the way of my values. But I have let go of countless other attachments that DID affect others or get in the way of my values of love, adventure, knowledge, and presence. It’s not always a comfortable easy process, but it’s one worth completing if you want to live a full life free from internal battles.

So how to do it?

1) Start with an impermanence meditation (there is one on my website you can try here). Practicing this technique regularly in meditation will transfer to your day-to-day life and allow you to get off the human hamster wheel - which is living a life that's solely about chasing pleasure and avoiding pain. Not much room for fulfillment or true satisfaction there.

2) Grab a journal and think about the last time you felt a strong attachment to getting something you wanted or holding onto something pleasurable so much so that it caused an internal battle (a craving for a specific type of food, an impulse to grab your phone, etc.) Write about how you dealt with this discomfort. If you don’t know your tendencies, you can’t change them. Here are some prompts you can use to get started.

3) Choose something you want to work on. For one week, make a commitment to PAUSE before immediately going for or doing that thing you are attached to. Not with the intention of changing anything per se, but with the intention of getting to know yourself first. Make notes on your phone or share with a trusted friend or coach about how it FEELS like in your body to be faced with impermanence head on. To pause before action. Note the effect of the pause. Was it infuriating? Did you still want the thing after pausing? You may be surprised what you find.

4) After one week of observing your reactions, for one day or one instance, try NOT doing that thing. And NOT replacing it with something else of a similar nature. Now that you’ve had some experience last week observing the discomfort, now it’s about extending that time and learning to tolerate the discomfort. Eventually, your tolerance will increase and you will be able to sever ties with this attachment, and get better at severing ties with other attachments as a result, too. Oftentimes, people are able to have a healthier relationship with that thing they were previously attached to, so they enjoy it more and it is more fulfilling.

More questions? Ask me, or grab my complete e-book, Train Your Mind Toward Calm, which has answers to the main questions I get from clients.