Why Are You Unhappy When Nothing is Wrong?
You know that feeling when nothing is actually “wrong” with your life, but there is this background sense of unhappiness, of dis-ease?
I think this type of dissatisfaction can actually be worse than when we can actually PINPOINT something “wrong”. What do you think?
I became aware of this “background sense of ugh without anything wrong” phenomenon at a very young age, for better or for worse. I asked questions like, “Why do we suffer so much?”, “Can a perfect body, or this perfume, or that boyfriend, or that mattress, really make me happy like I think it will?” “Is happiness even a thing?”
My strange fascination with suffering has led me to do what I do now: help others suffer less. To feel good IN and ABOUT their lives. Hopefully this email will get you some insight into how to do that for yourself. Let’s start with why we suffer.
WHY DO WE SUFFER SO MUCH?
The best answer I have comes from what I’ve learned and experienced in my Buddhist meditation studies, yoga, and what I know about neuroscience and human evolution.
REASON 1: Everything changes. And this conflicts with our minds’ preference for control.
We try to control something, and it inevitably doesn’t work. Then we realize we can’t control anything. This is a wildly uncomfortable realization.
So to avoid this discomfort, we avoid experiences, relationships, etc. that we might get attached to and have the same thing happen again.
But because all of life is impermanent, we are (unconsciously or consciously) cutting off our ability to feel a wide array of emotions, have a wide array of experiences, and generally live a full, happy life.
REASON 2: We weren’t necessarily designed for happiness.
We are designed to stay alive. And so, our brains are WIRED to look for problems that serve this survival goal.
To make matters worse, if you’ve made it a habit to look for problems when there aren’t any, OR if there has been any experience in your life where this habit has served you well, OR where your brain tells you it would have served you well (eg trauma), it can truly feel anxiety-provoking to not have any problems. So, your mind makes some. Woohoo.
And if you’re someone like me who has been blessed with the anxiety gene, you’re even more likely to feel this background sense of “uh oh” all. the. damn. time.
REASON 3: We are designed to feel like a separate “self” for survival reasons, and this makes everything feel like a threat.
The perception of a separate self is helpful for holding a job and generally being a functioning member of society as we know it today. But it’s not the best thing for happiness. It’s hard to feel “at one with the universe” and show up on time to work, amiright?
But when there is no rest from seeing ourselves as separate from anyone and anything else, we more easily believe the stories our minds create to protect our small self.
Not to mention, the idea of letting go of our “self” is not much different than the fear of death. Because for most of us, we don’t have a concept of what it's like to not feel separate, and so the idea of losing our “self”, with all our personality quirks and career & academic achievements, is equivalent to death.
GREAAAAT, ANNE. So basically what you are saying is that I’m destined for chronic unhappiness unless I become a monk or let go of all of my achievements and worldly possessions?
NOT SO FAST. None of my clients / students are monks and none of them have let go of all of their worldly possessions (that I know of).
What my clients HAVE done is learn techniques for controlling their inner experience, because let’s face it, we can’t control what happens outside.
By harnessing the powers that ALL of our minds have (but some of us just haven’t learned HOW yet) we create the optimal conditions for happiness to arise. And it’s f&%$ing great.
It’s like taking care of a plant. If you don’t tend to the plant or learn what the plant needs to thrive, it will not thrive and you will judge yourself for being a bad plant parent (or is that just me?) BUT, if you tend to the plant and give it what it needs to thrive, it will.
So yeah, that’s what I do with my clients and students (tend our minds, not actual plants).
If you’re interested in working with me, or just want to chat houseplants, suffering, or brain-stuff, I’d love to have a conversation with you. Schedule a meet and greet call here to learn more about my coaching package.